# More tweets from my recent Twitter timeline

@MooseAllain
"I want his head on a stick!" he said hedonistically.

@AbbieEvansXO
Me: can I have a turn in the hedge now
Hedgehog: no

@TeaAndCopy
ME: I'll see you in a month
WIFE: Don't forget to write
ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon

@ItsAndyRyan
First date
Her: Let's exchange numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

@RobinFlavell
"You can tell by the way I use my orc, I'm a Saruman, no time to talk". That's known as 'Jive Tolkien'.

#humour #humor #Twitter

How I Met The Spyders

I’m Apeksha Rao, a YA author from India, and I’m here to talk to you about my debut novel, Along Came A Spyder.

\#alongcameaspyder #humor #teenspies #writing
Originally posted at: https://jahangiri.us/2020/how-i-met-the-spyders/

Some recent tweets from my Twitter timeline

@Pundamentalism
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office - I will track you down. You have my Word.

@MooseAllain
Top tip: make people think you are a time traveller by putting on clothes from 2043.

@Enanem
My neighbour’s pet snake's somehow managed to climb into my freezer.
I'm not sure how to break the news…
I think I'll just give it to him straight.

@bingowings14BingoWin
Traffic cop: Did you know you were doing 60 in a 30 zone?
Me: I was being sarcastic.

@Pundamentalism
Surely the first animals God made were just guinea pigs.

#humour #humor #Twitter

The Key to Social Distancing

#socialdistancing #staysafe #coping #humor #humour #TRex #stayingsafe #myphoto #teeth #dinosaur

Thanks.

#meme #humor #capitalism
#covid #corporation #covid19

Heh! Love the all-seeing-eye pyramid. Must be an Illuminati conspiracy. ;)

#Wink-Wink #Humor

Trump Orders Pence to Start Picking Up Pompeo’s Laundry

#humorsatirefromtheborowitzreport #humor #satire #mikepence #mikepompeo #corruption
posted by pod_feeder_v2

Some more recent tweets from my Twitter timeline

@ShortSleeveSuit:
ME: I quit
BOSS: you don’t even work here
ME: when can I start

@forensictoxguy
The word ‘nun’ is just the letter n doing a cartwheel.

@chuuew
ME: I'm going to stretch my legs
Wife: You'll never be as tall as a giraffe
ME: [strapping myself into the leg longerer] We'll see

@MooseAllain
I'm going to leave my body to séance

@IHPower
I watched a documentary on cannabis last night. I haven't a clue what it was about.

#humour #humor #Twitter

We really need this one

#humor

Some recent tweets from my Twitter timeline

@GlennyRodge:
[Lion & horse in restaurant]
Lion: 2 prawn cocktails to start.
Waiter: And for your mains?
Lion: He'll have a brush & I just need a comb.

@Jeffwni:
Wife: There's a spider in the kids' bedroom
Me: I'll take care of it
raises spider like one of my own
has a little cry when it graduates

@GlennyRodge
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I'm apologising, he's got another sink coming.

@Michael1979:
Me: Bob, it's pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin'.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
David Bowie stands up
Me: Not you

#humour #humor #Twitter

Here's a fact that most people don't know: The waltz was invented by Hans Kneeson.

#humour #humor #joke #JustMeThen

#CoronaVirus #humor

Coping with Covid - Quick Survey Results

#copingwithcovid #stress #quarantine #humor #humour #contextandperspective #lockdown #stayhome #staysafe

"You're not alone"

From a performer friend stuck at home in Moscow.
Usually she'd be touring the world, dancing and prancing, and "mirroring". Now she is transformed to this situation.

Ah this new life...
Anything resonates to you? 😂

Stay safe, sane, and mindful!

#anastasiavorobyeva #playback #humor #humour #quarantine #stayinghome #staysafe #STFH

#humor #covid19 #climatechange #science

OK, here was my first laugh of the day

#humor

Both real and surreal to watch this week's "Saturday Night Live". A bittersweet sugar pill. And a record of this historic time.

A good overall summary here, and the 2 best parts are both here as video clips, the cold open and "Weekend Update".
And thus was SNL 3/3 "at home". From awkward to better to more polished, but everyone feeling the desire to be together "live" f2f.

And into summer recess the show goes, and into a long, hot, boring, and un-funny summer for many. Well, a few smiles here perhaps.

The SNL Season Finale Doesn’t Sugarcoat Pandemic Anxiety

#SNL #SaturdayNightLive #COVID19 #humor #humour #satire #paroday #staysafe #STFH #MakeAmericaSaneAgain

What about a version of snakes?

---

reshare from @Jennifer Freeman




#humor

#humor

And now, finally.... for Dylan fans... Some rainy-stay-at-home music.

Everybody Must Stay Home

#COVID19 #stayathome #Stayhome #STFH #Dylan #music #parody #musica #musique #humor #humour

When theater re-opens.... (?)

Reserve early... and start saving for the one ticket!

#staysafe #humor #humour #reopening #COVID19 #theater #theatre

#humor #pandemic #santa

#humor #hanginthere

As I'm immersed in tonight's (super-load) 7PM howling/cheering/clapping/honking...

This was an amazing thing to see IMM, last night, Seth Meyers (former SNL head writer, current late-night show TV host) -
speaking with the incredibly talented, wise, and funny Nathan Lane (award winning actor/comedian, also stuck at home).

Very real. As usual, online versions are broken up according to the segments before and after adverts... So, here's part 1, and part 2 as a comment. Enjoy.... It's both very pithy and very funny.. Nathan Lane also compliments Seth here, as an oasis of perspective in his "Closer Look" segments. Heeeere's Seth!

Part 1: Nathan Lane Discusses his latest role and speculates on the contents of the Tiny Attic Door

#currentevents #sethmeyers #nathanlane #humor #humour #contextandperspective #MakeAmericaSaneAgain

I was impressed by my friend's entire music collection apart from one track by Justin Timberlake's old band, which I thought was sentimental and in poor taste. I like everything but the kitsch N-Sync.

#humour #humor #joke

Nice try: extra "c" in "raccoon". Also: "insensately"? #humor #covid19

Some Star Wars tweets from today's Twitter timeline**

@QuintinForbes
In a singing competition between Yoda and Steve Winwood, Steve win would.

@Pundamentalism
I'm celebrating Star Wars Day by having a weird relationship with my dad and sister.

@chuuew
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA meeting. I've never seen Han so low.

@stevevsninjas
[camera store]
Luke: I'd like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

@SirEviscerate
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

@cluedont
Me: [dressed as yoda] Mistake I have made.
Yoga instructor: It appears so.

#humour #humor #Twitter #StarWars

And the tp humor continues

#humor

Some recent posts from my Twitter stream

@pilau:
doc: how are you feeling?
me: with my hands
doc: I mean does anything hurt
me: being hit with a hammer, stubbing your toe, fire

@craiguito
Talk is cheap.
Life is cheap.
Death is cheap.
-- excerpt from 'Learn to Speak Canary'

@nathanwpyle
one thing that blows my mind is when they set a movie in ‘present day’ - how did they know when I’d be watching? incredible

@MooseAllain:
"Take a bit of spaghetti from the pan and throw it at the wall. If it sticks, it's ready"
Boris Pasternak

@Okeating:
I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith.

#humour #humor #Twitter

#comic #cartoon #humor #JohnAtkinson #cat #caturday every day

Some Truth here, no?

#humour #humor #quarantine #copingwithCOVID #staysafe #stayhome #STFH Stay safe!

Just to review the rules we all agree on, for COVID-19
This is - mostly - parody. But in the U.S. with our 50 state patchwork and lack of Federal leadership/clarity.... fairly accurate!

Adley Takes On CoronaVirus | This Is Hilarious

Please: Stay safe, sane, and mindful! Be kind to each other, and yourself too!

#COVID19 #Staysafe #Stayhome #STFH #humour #humor #policy #adley

#shitfuckery #honest #government #ad #covid-19 #corona #humor

The existence of sea cows implies the existence of sea cheese recipes.

#humour #humor

#Trump #YesTrumpAgain #Humor #Cartoon #Humour

The very sarcastic and stable genious.