Items tagged with: humor

# More tweets from my recent Twitter timeline

"I want his head on a stick!" he said hedonistically.

Me: can I have a turn in the hedge now
Hedgehog: no

ME: I'll see you in a month
WIFE: Don't forget to write
ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon

First date
Her: Let's exchange numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

"You can tell by the way I use my orc, I'm a Saruman, no time to talk". That's known as 'Jive Tolkien'.

#humour #humor #Twitter
How I Met The Spyders

I’m Apeksha Rao, a YA author from India, and I’m here to talk to you about my debut novel, Along Came A Spyder.

\#alongcameaspyder #humor #teenspies #writing
Originally posted at: https://jahangiri.us/2020/how-i-met-the-spyders/
How I Met The Spyders

Some recent tweets from my Twitter timeline

Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office - I will track you down. You have my Word.

Top tip: make people think you are a time traveller by putting on clothes from 2043.

My neighbour’s pet snake's somehow managed to climb into my freezer.
I'm not sure how to break the news…
I think I'll just give it to him straight.

Traffic cop: Did you know you were doing 60 in a 30 zone?
Me: I was being sarcastic.

Surely the first animals God made were just guinea pigs.

#humour #humor #Twitter
Heh! Love the all-seeing-eye pyramid. Must be an Illuminati conspiracy. ;)

#Wink-Wink #Humor

Some more recent tweets from my Twitter timeline

ME: I quit
BOSS: you don’t even work here
ME: when can I start

The word ‘nun’ is just the letter n doing a cartwheel.

ME: I'm going to stretch my legs
Wife: You'll never be as tall as a giraffe
ME: [strapping myself into the leg longerer] We'll see

I'm going to leave my body to séance

I watched a documentary on cannabis last night. I haven't a clue what it was about.

#humour #humor #Twitter
We really need this one


Some recent tweets from my Twitter timeline

[Lion & horse in restaurant]
Lion: 2 prawn cocktails to start.
Waiter: And for your mains?
Lion: He'll have a brush & I just need a comb.

Wife: There's a spider in the kids' bedroom
Me: I'll take care of it
raises spider like one of my own
has a little cry when it graduates

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I'm apologising, he's got another sink coming.

Me: Bob, it's pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin'.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
David Bowie stands up
Me: Not you

#humour #humor #Twitter
Here's a fact that most people don't know: The waltz was invented by Hans Kneeson.

#humour #humor #joke #JustMeThen

"You're not alone"

From a performer friend stuck at home in Moscow.
Usually she'd be touring the world, dancing and prancing, and "mirroring". Now she is transformed to this situation.
Ah this new life...
Anything resonates to you? 😂
Stay safe, sane, and mindful!

#anastasiavorobyeva #playback #humor #humour #quarantine #stayinghome #staysafe #STFH
OK, here was my first laugh of the day

Both real and surreal to watch this week's "Saturday Night Live". A bittersweet sugar pill. And a record of this historic time.

A good overall summary here, and the 2 best parts are both here as video clips, the cold open and "Weekend Update".
And thus was SNL 3/3 "at home". From awkward to better to more polished, but everyone feeling the desire to be together "live" f2f.

And into summer recess the show goes, and into a long, hot, boring, and un-funny summer for many. Well, a few smiles here perhaps.

The SNL Season Finale Doesn’t Sugarcoat Pandemic Anxiety

#SNL #SaturdayNightLive #COVID19 #humor #humour #satire #paroday #staysafe #STFH #MakeAmericaSaneAgain

When theater re-opens.... (?)

Reserve early... and start saving for the one ticket!

#staysafe #humor #humour #reopening #COVID19 #theater #theatre
As I'm immersed in tonight's (super-load) 7PM howling/cheering/clapping/honking...

This was an amazing thing to see IMM, last night, Seth Meyers (former SNL head writer, current late-night show TV host) -
speaking with the incredibly talented, wise, and funny Nathan Lane (award winning actor/comedian, also stuck at home).

Very real. As usual, online versions are broken up according to the segments before and after adverts... So, here's part 1, and part 2 as a comment. Enjoy.... It's both very pithy and very funny.. Nathan Lane also compliments Seth here, as an oasis of perspective in his "Closer Look" segments. Heeeere's Seth!
Part 1: Nathan Lane Discusses his latest role and speculates on the contents of the Tiny Attic Door

#currentevents #sethmeyers #nathanlane #humor #humour #contextandperspective #MakeAmericaSaneAgain
I was impressed by my friend's entire music collection apart from one track by Justin Timberlake's old band, which I thought was sentimental and in poor taste. I like everything but the kitsch N-Sync.

#humour #humor #joke
Nice try: extra "c" in "raccoon". Also: "insensately"? #humor #covid19
Nice try: extra "c" in "raccoon". Also: "insensately"? #humor #covid19

Some Star Wars tweets from today's Twitter timeline**

In a singing competition between Yoda and Steve Winwood, Steve win would.

I'm celebrating Star Wars Day by having a weird relationship with my dad and sister.

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA meeting. I've never seen Han so low.

[camera store]
Luke: I'd like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

Me: [dressed as yoda] Mistake I have made.
Yoga instructor: It appears so.

#humour #humor #Twitter #StarWars
And the tp humor continues


Some recent posts from my Twitter stream

doc: how are you feeling?
me: with my hands
doc: I mean does anything hurt
me: being hit with a hammer, stubbing your toe, fire

Talk is cheap.
Life is cheap.
Death is cheap.
-- excerpt from 'Learn to Speak Canary'

one thing that blows my mind is when they set a movie in ‘present day’ - how did they know when I’d be watching? incredible

"Take a bit of spaghetti from the pan and throw it at the wall. If it sticks, it's ready"
Boris Pasternak

I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith.

#humour #humor #Twitter
Just to review the rules we all agree on, for COVID-19
This is - mostly - parody. But in the U.S. with our 50 state patchwork and lack of Federal leadership/clarity.... fairly accurate!

Adley Takes On CoronaVirus | This Is Hilarious

Please: Stay safe, sane, and mindful! Be kind to each other, and yourself too!

#COVID19 #Staysafe #Stayhome #STFH #humour #humor #policy #adley
The existence of sea cows implies the existence of sea cheese recipes.

#humour #humor
#Trump #Cartoon #Humor #Humour.

Tragiquement, les sages sont pleins de doutes et les crétins, pleins de certitudes.
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